I’ve had a lot of people come to me asking how they can help friends or family members recently diagnosed with cancer. They know they can’t possibly relate or empathize with what this person is going through, but they still want to be there to help. While there are no magic words to give, here are three things I can suggest;

Step 1: Don’t Jump to Being Positive.
Remember that movie Inside Out? The character Bing Bong is feeling depressed, and Joy immediately jumps in with platitudes like “It’s going to be ok!” and “We can handle this!” and she tries to crack jokes to make him laugh, but to no avail. But then Sadness sits down and listens to him, enters into his situation, and validates his feelings by saying “gosh, that must be very hard for you.” And Bing Bong feels heard and is comforted.

Many times when our friends face tough situations, we immediately want to respond with something positive to help make them feel better. But what that actually does is dismiss their feelings – as if to say that rather than feeling these emotions, they should put them away and “be positive”. This doesn’t make them feel better, it makes them feel further misunderstood and alone.

Instead, allow your friend to articulate their feelings, and help them to feel heard. Maybe it’s grief, maybe it’s fear, maybe it’s anger, maybe it’s depression, maybe they don’t even want to keep fighting anymore, it’s probably all of the above and more. Whatever it is, allow them to say it. Allow the tough emotions to come out. They aren’t expecting answers from you because in situations like this, answers simply don’t exist. But what you can do is enter into that place with them, listen, and validate how they feel. That helps them to process their emotions and not feel so alone.

Step 2: Be Positive
Ok I know that might seem contradictory. Everything I just said about Step 1 is true – allow the tough stuff. It’s healthy to verbally process your feelings, no matter how ugly. But it would be unhealthy to stay in the ugly place. Enter Step 2. By listening and validating their feelings, you’ve gained their trust, so at this point in the conversation your words of truth can actually carry some weight and make a difference. It’s ok that you don’t know the “right” words to say, you aren’t here to provide answers or make them feel better. But what you can do is remind them of the truth – remind them of who they really are, the person you have always known.

Remind them they are strong, and you know that because of that one time in high school where they did something amazing. Or that they have a solid faith in God, and you know that because of how you’ve seen them persevere through a past circumstance. Or that they will kick cancer’s butt because frankly, they are just the most stubborn person you’ve ever met. Whatever it is that you know about them, remind them of that truth. The most encouraging words during my battle were when people believed in me.

Step 3: Be the Bridge
Maybe this person you want so much to comfort is not a Christ follower, and you know firsthand of the hope that a faith in God can bring, particularly in the lowest of valleys like these. But you’re not quite sure how to bring faith into the conversation. Indeed, it would be trite to quote scripture to someone who finds those words empty. Instead, just share your own experience. It’s not complicated – just share your testimony. Something like “you know, when I went through xyz really difficult time in my life, I started going to church and it really helped me not to feel so alone, plus it got me out of the house” or “When I felt that way, I tried reading a psalm, and I found it really comforting when I was in that dark place. I could share my bible with you if that’s something you’d like to try and see if it would help.” Sharing how you found comfort when you were in a similar place is simple, and it doesn’t put any pressure on the other person.

Ultimately, there are no “right words”. In fact, go ahead and assume you will probably say the “wrong thing”. I know I have! Remember it’s not about talking, it’s about listening. Cancer is complicated, but comforting your grieving friend isn’t any more complicated than comforting anyone else – just listen to your friend and help them feel heard, and remind them of the truth of who they are. If it’s appropriate to share your faith with them, don’t be intimidated to simply share the things that have helped you get through your own hard times and let God water the seeds you plant. When you spend more time listening than talking, your care for them will speak for itself.