The Update I Didn’t Want to Post

I thank everyone who has been praying for me over the last several days, and for those of you intuitive enough to check in for lack of a Caring Bridge update after Friday’s 3pm appointment, you may have guessed that Friday did not quite go as we had hoped. Unfortunately, we heard just about everything we did not want to hear.

The fact that cancer cells were found in so many lymph nodes has changed the game. Starting in July, I’ll be facing 6 months of chemo. After that, there will be several rounds of radiation and only then will we be able to finish the multiple surgeries for reconstruction.

I want to tell you that I’m brave and ready to face it with Wonder Woman strength, but in all transparency this has been a very difficult weekend. What we had hoped would be a journey ending with this summer, is now a full year away, which from this moment in time seems like eons away. What I had hoped would finally bring relief after months and months of wondering, has turned to tears upon tears. I’m crushed at the idea of losing my hair. I want to ask God why He didn’t change the circumstances, because He certainly could have.

And that’s where I currently find myself.
In 1 Samuel 14, Jonathan plans to attack his enemies. He says, “Nothing can hinder the Lord from saving”, and then in the very same breath he also says “Perhaps He will act on our behalf.” Perhaps. Today, we would rephrase that as “I know that God CAN, but I don’t know if He WILL.”

I think faith often feels this way, especially in uncertain circumstances like these. On one hand, we know God is able to do anything. On the other hand, there is no certainty that He will. We can only hope and pray. And then we get stuck there when circumstances don’t become what we hope – if I believe that He can but I don’t know if He will, is my faith not big enough? Does my doubt and uncertainty keep me from having a faith big enough to move mountains? However, the reality is, true faith is not the absence of uncertainty and ambiguity. True faith does not eliminate doubt and fear. True faith is not a prayer to a genie in a bottle. True faith believes in a God who is able, then trusts Him with the outcome; and knows that God is bigger than whatever that outcome may be.

And this is where I cling. Doubt, fear, and grief are all here. But my God is bigger than them all, and He’s still on my side. I know that He will provide, He will strengthen, and He will be present, and He is bigger than my circumstances.

Over the coming days, please pray for the following;
1) Comfort in grief, and peace beyond understanding.
2) Continued speedy recovery from from surgery, relief from physical pain, and restful sleep each night.
3) Complete healing so we never see this again!